


What it Feels to Love

by mochitam



Category: K-pop, Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Angst?, Cute, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fluff, Gay, JYP - Freeform, Lee Felix - Freeform, Love, M/M, POV First Person, Seo Changbin - Freeform, Young Love, i love them, not ot9 but oh well, stray kids - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2019-02-12 21:55:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12969204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mochitam/pseuds/mochitam
Summary: Felix didn't mean to fall..





	What it Feels to Love

It wasn’t like I was asking for a new student. Nor was I asking for him to sit right next to me. New people were a bore to me. Not knowing who they were or anything about them was almost annoying. So, when the new transfer student from Korea suddenly appeared in my class with a hat on looking intimidating, I just looked down at my book ignoring him as best as I could.

The teacher's words didn’t hit me until I heard her calling my name multiple times. My head shot up to at least twenty pairs of eyes on me. I clenched my hands nervously.  
“Yes?” My voice came out scratchy which gained snickers from some of the guys that sat next to me. I rolled my eyes focusing once again on my teacher and the boy.

My teacher eyed me threateningly but put her arm around the transfer student causing him to jerk a little. “This,” She spoke, her voice sounding like a dying frog. Oh how it hasn’t aged well over the years. “Is Changbin Seo, he’ll be sitting next to you. I expect you to show him around and make sure he has everything he needs?” She raised an eyebrow at that last remark so I just nodded and turned back to my book.

When Changbin sat down next to me I didn’t look up and he didn’t seem to have any interest in me. I thanked god for that and tuned out the rest of class leaving the second the bell rang. No way in hell was I becoming a tour guide for some emo kid. I shuffled my way down the hallway swiftly itching to get to dance class.

...

“Wait so you just left him there?” I scoffed grabbing my water bottle from the ground laying down with a plop. I stuttered out a yeah and the girl next to me groaned. “You know Felix,” She spoke again with that high pitched voice of hers. Sometimes it was nice to listen to but right now I had a headache and wanted nothing more than to curl up on the dance room floor and sleep. “One day your selfishness will catch up with you and let me just say, karma’s a bitch.” She left with a huff and stomped away. I just laughed and closed my eyes.

Sometimes I thought I had a crush on her, Amelia. She was pretty and her dance skills were envious I could watch her forever. I met her in my first year of highschool we’d both just joined the dance club and were inexperienced swans. When we got close enough she’d always yell at me whenever I did something bad, now that I think about it she’s more of a nagging mother than anything. Maybe that’s why I don’t think of her in a romantic way.

My mind traveled back to the transfer student and I cursed at myself. How much English does he know? I really left him alone like a complete asshole. I stood up taking my jacket off throwing it somewhere random, I started the radio and began dancing again. It helped relieve stress.

...

The bell rang but I didn’t run this time. I looked over and saw the transfer student packing away his stuff but when he got up so did I and I grabbed his arm before he could leave. A girl walked past and gave us a look but I just ignored her turning my attention back to peircing eyes. The glare he gave me was enough to send even Satan running so I let him go quickly and gave a nervous a smile.

“S-Sorry for rushing away yesterday I had something to do but if you really need help with anything I’d be hap-” I stopped because he cut me off and brought his finger up to my forehead flicking it. I grabbed my forehead in pain and whined as he began to walk away.

“I don’t need any help freckle boy.” He stated, leaving the classroom.

I stood there in disbelief. What a dick. At this point I was fuming and made my way out of the classroom barely bothering if I ran into anybody. I couldn’t believe I had worried over not helping him. A small part of me actually wished we could’ve been friends but after that I realized I wanted nothing to do with him seeing as he wanted nothing to do with me as well. Suddenly I felt insecure about my freckles even though Amelia told me they were cute.

Amelia questioned big time when I came in slamming the door but stopped when she saw I didn’t want to talk. She sat quietly on her phone while I practiced and when I left to go home all she said was ‘Karma.’ I didn’t hesitate to turn back around in the doorway and throw a pencil at her.

 

...

Partners. We were partners. Just my luck it was that my goddamn teacher paired us up for a project. Might as well as put us in a closet and leave for seven minutes maybe when you come back we’ll be making out! Suddenly my thoughts didn’t make sense and I felt sick thinking them right in front of the culprit. We were sitting opposite from each other thinking about what to do for our project. I don’t know what came over me at that moment but when he finally looked up from what he was drawing I took a breath,

“I don’t like you.” I said it and he didn’t seem to be fazed. He’d been here for more than a week now and we’d only exchanged very few words. It seemed sort of ironic because we saw each other everyday and literally sat inches apart. I was beginning to get another headache as his glare seemed to be looking at my actual soul.

“I don’t particularly like you either freckles.” I gritted my teeth at the nickname and began sketching something on my own paper.

“I have a name you know I’d appreciate if you’d learn it.” Honestly I didn’t even know if he knew my name not recalling ever saying it to him but maybe someone else had or he-

“Felix? Felix Lee, yeah I know your name, freckles is cuter though.” He said the words blankly but my heart was on fucking mars.

Cute? Did he call me cute? No he called my freckles cute. In that moment I wanted to jump on top of the table and kick Changbin in the face for being so straightforward. I smiled at the thought and giggled aloud.

“Don’t get all flustered kid it wasn’t a compliment.” He told me flicking my forehead once again, I pouted at him swatting his hand away.

“Who are you calling kid? Do you suddenly know my age too?” He just laughed and set his pencil down and began stretching placing his hands above his head.

“I’m 18, from my knowledge you’re a year younger.” He didn’t ask it. He seemed to say everything as a statement. Did he really know that much?

“What else do you know about me?” I asked genuinely curious. He looked at me softly this time and motioned for me to come closer. I stood from my chair a bit and leaned in until our eyes were centimeters apart. Before I could react he flicked my forehead again which sent me flying back into my chair groaning.

“That you’re gullible.” He laughed this time a fun laugh that seemed to stray from his dark persona. In a way it was warmingly cute as much as I hated to call him cute. Maybe this guy wasn’t that bad.

The next day I tried something.

“Come over.” I said after class. Changbin threw his bag over his shoulder and looked up at me. I’d just now noticed how much shorter he was than me, once again it was kinda cute.

“Excuse me?” He asked looking disgusted and I realized he got the wrong idea.

“Oh no you know so we can work on the project. I enjoy getting assignments done way before they’re due just to get it out of the way.” He gave me an ‘ah’ and motioned for me to lead the way.

...

The walk to my house was short and we stopped only once to pet a dog. Changbin seemed more in love with the animal than I thought he’d be. He ended up rolling around with it on the sidewalk while I had to literally drag him away before someone called the cops. He pouted the whole rest of the way.

“How’d you learn English?” I asked him when we sat on my bedroom floor bringing out the materials for the project.

“I taught myself by watching shows.” I stared at him open mouthed. English was one of the hardest languages to learn and he spoke it fluently without any hint of an accent. I envied him then which I never thought was possible.

“Can you teach me some Korean?” He smiled at the question and set down his book.

“Annyeonghaseyo.” He said abruptly and I staggered back a bit which made him laugh. “It means Hello stupid.” He began to laugh even more and even fell over holding his stomach. I just yelled out ‘how was I supposed to knows’ which made him laugh harder.

 

...

We didn’t stop the lessons until my mom came in and told me Changbin had to leave I told him goodbye and he made his way into the night. For once, I had hope I’d made a friend.

...

“No Felix.”

“Yes Changbin, come on it’ll be fun and I have no one else to go with.” I pleaded to the elder and shook his arm causing his book to shake with each pull.

“I’m not going to watch some chick flick on a Saturday, a day where I would be better kept sleeping thank you very much.” He protested. I rolled my eyes and slumped back onto the ground.

Changbin had been here a month now. We hung out occasionally but talked more in school and ate lunch together. It felt nice to have a friend. The oldest could be annoying sending me snide remarks whenever he’d get the chance but for the most part he was a bubbly person always laughing at my jokes and never killing the mood.

When he met Amelia they actually hit it off and exchanged numbers the day they met. I knew they would but I felt happy for them because they were both basically my best friends.

“It’s not a chick flick…” I mumbled but he still heard me and closed his eyes setting his book down. He moved to lie next to me on the floor and we both stared at the ceiling.

“I’ll go if it will shut you up.” I shot up instantly and jumped on top of him giving him a tight squeeze. He struggled to push me off of him but I hung on like a koala which just gained curses from the dark haired male. I let out yays as he let out threats that I knew weren’t true.

…  
We were in the movie theater waiting for the movie to start when I realized Changbin wasn’t talking. The minute I looked over it took me a moment to realize he was asleep.

 

“Changbin what the hell the movie hasn’t even started yet this is just the previews.” I shook him but got nothing but his head slumping to the side and resting on my shoulder. I blushed which couldn’t be seen now as the lights were dimming signalling the movie was beginning.  
He really wasn’t lying when he said he slept on Saturdays. In a way I felt bad but my heart was beating at a million miles per second at the contact I was receiving. For a second I found it cliche with the whole movie theater setting. You go on a date and either end up making out or falling asleep. This wasn’t a date though. Changbin and I were friends. Friends.

There was no doubt I was gay but I’d never told anyone but Amelia. I hadn’t brought the topic up with Changbin afraid he might be homophobic and i’d be more scared to come out.

Though, when I looked at him now. His head laying against my shoulder. His mouth parted slightly letting out short breaths. He looked small, vulnerable, adorable. I reached my hand over and brushed a piece of hair from his eye. He didn’t stir and I smiled focusing back onto the movie never letting the warmth to my right fade from my head.

...

I didn’t realize I loved him until it was too late.

“What do you think about gay people?’ The question was random even for me but Changbin didn’t seem uncomfortable with it.

“I’m not against it,” I felt my heart stop and I almost cried right there. “I think everyone has the right to love who they love, love is love right? What about you?” I told him I felt the same way and we were silent for a few minutes.

“Are you…” I started but stopped, Changbin was perceptive though he had been for a month and a half.

“Gay? Maybe, i’m not sure. Boys are cute but girls are soft and lovable. I would go as far as to say I’m bisexual.” He said it with no hesitation as if it was something so normal to him. My heart was once again on fucking pluto as I told him I knew for certain that I was gay and he just nodded and said cool.

Cool? It was cool? I felt offended but didn’t know why. It’s not like he was homophobic like I feared but he talked about it so easily. I got up and stomped over to my bed turning off the light and laying down.

“Are you going to sleep?” He asked and I just nodded. I could feel him laying down beside my bed to go to sleep and when I heard him begin to breathe steady breaths, I cried.

Why was I crying! Maybe because the man I fucking loved was in arm's reach sleeping right beside me or the fact that we’d both just come out to each other and I felt like shit because I was crushing.

I had to bite my lip so my whines wouldn’t be heard. I felt stupid and suddenly hated myself. I wanted to tell him but what if he didn’t like me back and it just ruined our friendship? I closed my eyes and let sleep overtake me.

I dreamt of Changbin and I. We were in a field filled with yellow acacias. From what I remember the flower represented secret love and I laughed at how fitting it was. I turned to Changbin. He held his hand out to me and I took it. We stood there looking into each other's eyes until I woke up to Changbin sitting on my bed jabbing my forehead.

“Your mom said breakfast is ready, come on.”  
When he left the room I felt an emptiness inside of me that felt as if it could never be filled. It hurt.

...

It all started to fall apart when Amelia told me she had a date with Changbin.

“How and when did that happen?” I asked her pressing my lips together and making sure she couldn’t see my face. My chest hurt.

“Just the other day, I asked him if he wanted to go on a date to this cafe and he said yes! We’ve actually been hanging out a lot lately I thought he’d tell you.” She went back to pressing buttons on her phone.  
Oh. Oh that’s where he was when I’d text him to come over or stay the night. He was with my first best friend. I couldn't hate Amelia, hell I couldn’t hate Changbin. This was all on me. I was the one who caught feelings.

It hurt worse that he didn’t tell me. Why didn’t he tell me? Well it really wasn’t my business was it. Maybe he thought I’d annoy him about it or he was embarrassed by it which was likely.

“Have fun.” I stuttered and Amelia looked up from her phone noticing a tear start to fall from my eye. “Ahh allergies.” I lied and stood up leaving the room before she could say anything.

When I got home I locked my bedroom door and slumped to the ground. This was heartbreak. I hated it. Why did I have to like him. Why couldn’t I just confess my feelings and get on with my life, why was everything so hard for me.

I felt my phone buzz and I fished the metal from my pocket squinting through tears that weren’t going to stop now.

 

_**< Changbin> ** _

_**Amelia said something seemed wrong with you are you okay?** _

I reread the words suddenly unable to read. Why did he care.

                                                                                                                             _ **< Felix> **_

_**I’m fine, don’t text me, have fun on your date.** _

My phone buzzed continuously after that until I threw it somewhere in the room and stood up grabbing my jacket. I needed to get away.

...

I didn’t come here often. Only when I was really sad or felt like being rebellious and sneaking out.

I sat on top of the of the roof overlooking the city. It was small but pretty at night. My breath painted the air with every exhale and I despised it for being so suddenly carefree.

Any hope I had left in me was gone now. I’d never felt more empty and hollow. I pulled my knees up to rest my chin on. I felt dizzy and my chest still throbbed. My eyes were red and puffy I was sure of it they felt dry. I couldn’t physically cry anymore there was nothing else left inside of me. I sighed and twiddled my fingers.

“Keep sighing like that and people will call you rude.” A voice said behind me. I jumped and stood up turning to around to see where the voice came from.

It wasn’t surprising to see him there. He wore his hat, the hat he wore the first time i’d saw him. His hands were stuffed into the pockets of his large hoodie that actually swallowed him. His nose was pink from the cold and I knew he was shivering. He looked so cute like this that it hurt to look at him. I didn’t deserve to look at him I bet he’d hate me if I confessed to him.

Maybe he wasn’t sure about sexuality. What if he was actually just confused and was straight. He would be disgusted with me if I suddenly told him I loved him.

“Changbin…” I said it sadly which gained a frown from him because i’d never said it like that.

“Amelia told me you might be here. Come on let me take you home you’ll catch a cold.” He turned and started walking but I didn’t.

“No.” I said it quietly but he of course still heard it and stopped dead in his tracks. ‘Keep walking’ I thought. If he left now and never talked to me again it would all be okay. But I continued to speak. “Why…” I began causing him to fully face me now and he inched closer. ‘Stay back no don’t come closer.’ I thought it but it wasn’t true. More than anything I wanted to hold him forever, I craved him when he didn’t even want me.

I clenched my fists by my side and closed my eyes. “Why are you with her? Why are you here. I-” I stopped and took a deep breath not daring to open my eyes fearing a glance at the older would send me into hysterics. “I waited, I wanted to tell you.” I stopped again. Tell him what?

“Tell me what Felix?” His voice sounded closer now but my eyes stayed shut. Exactly what are you going to tell him Felix?

I felt the breeze slightly but I was numb. I was afraid I’d drop dead right here on the roof and have to watch the love of my life mourn my body and wonder if it was his fault. Yes, it is his fault. No it’s mine. I shouldn't have made an impossible love. I opened my mouth and spoke before the courage i’d mustered faded away.

“I love-” I opened my eyes on love but was cut short to something warm against my lips. My breath caught in my throat and I was afraid I’d choke or worse pass out. My eyes registered the body before me and Changbin’s lips against mine. It took a second for me to warm up to the kiss and I relaxed letting him wrap his arms around my waist. I wrapped my own around his neck despite the height difference. I felt okay. I felt better than okay I felt ecstatic. The void in my stomach suddenly filled up and I felt what cloud nine felt like.

Was I dreaming? I had to be but the blistering cold I suddenly felt said otherwise. It was too real. My body felt light and correct in his grip. The way he clenched me closer to him I knew he did want me. I wanted him. Yes we wanted each other. In that moment I knew what happiness and love were. They were both dangerously beautiful. Even so, they were something that was worth working for. Everything was okay, this is what it feels to love Felix. This is love.

“You.” I continued after he pulled away. “I love you!”

fin

**Author's Note:**

> BITCH LITERALLY AS I WAS SPELL CHECKING THIS STRAY KIDS POSTED A VIDEO ON TWITTER WHERE SEUNGMIN AND JEONGIN WERE BEING HELLA GAY WHAT ARE THE ODDS


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